It's been a long time back since Im sheesha-ing with Joey... But the mushroom soup is nt as fantastic as before... Boring ~~~

Its 19th of May, 8am, sleepless and awake

The previous post was written in my Iphone on the day of the incident... And now... A week has past...
I am still bothered over how he treated me after the incident for a week... Cant stop my tears whenever i tried to sleep or see his ignorance and arrogant... despite how hard i really forced myself not to tear but i simply cant stop my heart from aching.. Why am i aching day after day???  <- Probably because i know im heading no where once again...
I did not brought the issue up after that day i cried for a whole damn day... I always want or hope that he can solve the problem in me as i know there's no way i can do it myself... But Now i realised... THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN ~~~

Just 2 weeks we got back together and things got back to the same when his wife started to call... I realised that no matter how we tried to change... its just never enough... He will hold against me for the little effort he puts in and ended up we are still distant apart... I cannot blame him neither am i writing this to put all the fault on him... I just want to remember at this moment now what stage we are in...

Im being bothered for days due to our situation and not forgetting what had happened... I strongly antiscipated that he will hurt me again~ And i will have to buried it down again~ I cant continue this path anymore when i keep seeing myself being treated this way and nothing can ever be resolved for both of us...  Im disappointed in myself for cant forgetting and letting the unhappiness inside go away... But i know one day i will... the day we are strangers again..
PS: Dont Cry Over Someone that Wont Cry Over You!

Reminiscing...

Its amazing that we can fall in love in an instant and ended up a distant apart...
We weren't always like this... though i cant remember when it wasn't like this...
He used to be my guidance angel who will keep me safe and protected from hurt/harm... Unbelivable... Incredibly special... the guy i thought could never exist... But as time run past... from one stage of the relationship to the next, It has taken us to how we are now.............................................................


Like most people do... We started off like strangers, the 1st stage of us : Meeting

Followed by : The Chase
This was the best part... All i want to do was to hang out with him... The only person i want to talk to, was him... He was the number 1 priority... And everytime i saw him -> Butterflies...
He's everything was perfect that i thought in a guy...

As soon as we felt right, we started our relationship taking us to the 3rd stage : Honeymoon
It was the time when we could finally fully express our affections to each other and to do all the things as a couple...it was like a dream come true to me...The guy i wanted to be with so badly was finally mine...
We used to cuddled every night... Watch movie often as theres no place to go...  etc... intimacy almost every single day... Theres even one day we did twice or thrice...

And we ended up like most couple... stage 4 : Comfortable

to be continue...

The following post was supposed to be posted on 12th of May 2011, Thursday...



We had dinner together And his ex wife called again when we reached home... She called to tell him it's their 4th year anniversary!!! And asked him what did she does wrong in the past... My heart beats so fast that I caught my breath... I so mad when I heard how nice Alvin talked to her!!! It happens so many times that she called and Alvin talked nicely to her!!! He trying to leave a good impression to her! And she trying to call and show him that she still think of him! And I'm like the stupidest fool on earth! They started to talk about ATM CARD which I don't understand why she is still using his ATM CARD!!! And Alvin even said this to her " I thought u have a rich bf who buys u ROLEX WATCH ? Why dont u ask him to lend u his card instead? "  <- These words leave doubt in me... How does Alvin knows she has a ROLEX WATCH which bought by her bf??? His conversation sounded to me that he is being sarcastic as he mind that she has a rich bf??? He talked to her like a couple and sounded to me that he is jealous!!! 
I have been feeling that they have something on behind my back... And from this incident I realized that Alvin will nv fulfill his promises to me! This incident has been happening so many times and he still chose to shake it off and nv want to solve it! As usual he still don't want to change his number! He don't see the need to or should I say the importance of it! He is still allowing things to repeat and allowing her to interrupt our relationship! The more upsetting thing is that he told me his mum said that I snatched people's husband and yet I still can be mad over LING CALLING HIM?!!! And Alvin NEVER BACK ME UP from being judged as a THIRD PARTY/VINEX ! 
Why must I be with him then? 
Did he stand by me? NO
Did he clarify things to his mum ? NO
He makes his mum think I am a third party? SOMEHOW
Did he solve this problem on still in contact with Ling ? STILL NO
Did he try to understand how I feel or what I am thinking ? NO
Did he reflects on himself ? NO
Does he knows that he is the main role for this issue? NO HE THINK HE HAS NO FAULT!
Its alright for him as he is not affected... If he sees how important this issue has to be resolved, he can change his number but he still refused to do so ! He used to tell me that he will change his number but he won't ! Isn't him taking me as an idiot or a fool to believe in him and ended up I'm the one who gets hurt again! 
Did he protect u from getting hurt? NO
Did he knows that u r unhappy or crying and yet ignor u? YES !
He has no heart to do anything for me! He always want the easiest way out for himself! And his actions and behavior is still the same! He said that he is always the one doing things ! <- if u did change ur number long ago she will nt contact h and we will nt have issue over this! 
Simply because he don't care what I feel or what I think! 
He is more despicable than before as he gave me promises and hope to change and give me a better future! However a small issue like this he don't even bother about my feelings moreover the future? 
Can I tolerate this in future when it happens again and again? NO I CAN'T AND   I don't want to continue this anymore! I dont want to tolerate this anymore... I have enough! There's so many SCARS in our relationship and being together with him knowing that LING will call again and again... 

He is still as arrogant as before! 

Anyway i know deep within my heart that If I wasn't there beside Alvin I wouldn't know that she called! 

When I cried because I'm upset that he is allowing this thing to hurt me... Yet he continue to discriminate me and acted a crying sound like me again... <- again! He just pissing me off further! 

1.30am Morning

I came over to Hubby's place once again... But this time im feeling very different... What's the difference?
Erm... I came back carrying lesser doubts and hatred in me... I choose to trust him again as i know i have to give both of us not only him him and him a chance... I have to give myself a chance to love him more than before...

And i really hope it will work out well and there will be a better future for us...


Yesterday afternoon i received a text from Baby Darling... It wrote :


dear, baby darling i want to tell u that since we reconcile yesterday my mood has brighter up and im feeling very happy inside me. not like last week when i have no motivation in doing anything. i really happy having you and i dont want any other ppl than u. u r the love of my life and i love u very much. hope that u can trust me and always try to give me the benefit of doubt and i will prove myself to u. may not be that perfect but i will work towards it and give u a happy future. love u truly!
ur hubby: alvin

This is exactly what Baby Darling wrote and i want to record it now here as an evidence of his love and promise. so... in future i can show it to our kids... Its the sweetest msg i ever received from him... This little effort he made could really melt my heart away... I was in delight the whole day since i saw the text... and i would like to tell him too..........................................................................................................................

"My Dearest Love,

I never give up on you ever before... Even when im super pissed with you... im upset over certain issues... i left your house and returned home to stay... There's a huge part of me that was missing whenever we are apart... I will keep thinking of you and worrying if u are doing well in ur work... or even have you taken ur meal... but i cant deny that i also have been thinking if u are outside with friends or doing things which i dislike when im not with you...
You can simply filled up my mind for this whole 18 months of relationship... I know that we did not meet each other at the start in the perfect circumstances and environment... But I truly hope that we can have a happy ending like those fairytale romance... Haha... alittle exaggerating... what i mean is that i would like to have little alvin and little christina running around us and we can spend the rest of our upcoming years sustaining our LOVE and build it up to the better years after years... I understand that i do have alot of flaws and i can be demanding at times... but i would like to tell you that i WANT to improve on these areas and learn to be a better girlfriend and hopefully ur ideal spouse in future... Please do give me some time and understanding... Please do forgive me if i make a mistake or make you unhappy at times... I love you and this is cannot be replaced... Thanks for being such an understanding, considerate and most importantly a faithful partner for me... I will be loving you not only now but also in the near future... xoxo


Your Baby Darling,
Christina

7am morning...

Alvin Hubby went back home and Im already missing him...
I hope our relationship will gets better and not bitter anymore...
Thinking about what I should write now... I realized I have not been posting much happy things... So... From now on I want to record my happiness instead of sorrows much more often..

He came over my place to tell me that he has been missing me... It was really sweet of him despite taking 5days of silence due to our conflict. Initially I was really mad at him... After having him back by my side I felt a sense of contentment deep within... It's like as long as u are here I'm safe and sound... I'm no longer lost and troubled everyday... Trying to find distraction or a way to forget everything...

Finally my prayer had been answered... I ask God to show me the light and I think I could see it now...