Living in bliss
Its been more than a week we have not been quarreling. Though small tiny weeny disagreements...not as bad as how we were before. *A Sign of Light* After hours of heart to heart talk with my dearie...after understanding what i always do not understand... after some thoughts on my own... after the chat with my brother... Things seem much clearer now to me... I felt as in im being enlightened somehow... Its been more than a year i have been living in my small own world full of my structural philosophies and way of life... I have been blinded from the reality and living in dream which i thought i could create... changing of ppl's lives and personalities... nevertheless... mine too.
A Step I Make
I start to think more on him than myself now... Maybe not too obvious, but a little effort i could try... I realised how selfish i was...Which i always thought that this is what love is... Its humorous to find myself living in a abnormal state of mind... How would i turn to become such a dame lamer... ridiculously selfish vase... Goodness sake~! My thoughts are clear now ... Finally... I recalled the things that i should learn from the past... the mistakes i made which drive ppl away from me... the basic needs to maintain a relationship... the fundamental way of life.
Im so bored... It seems like there is nothing much for me to do recently... Been trying really hard to find more clients... Been looking out for modelling jobs like shoots and events or even dance... $ $ $ is all i want now~~~ Recently cash flow running pretty low... Sobsss...~~~
How long do i have to wait wor... Theres like a couple of overdue bills to settle... Headache sia~~~ haha...
Jia you Jia you to myself!
He has been giving me cold shoulder for the past weeks. Its seem like my heart is pretty dead now... Humiliation in public, scolding me while im crying, hard on me when i gave in, run out of patient easily, compare me with his wife & ex gfs, unappreciate the things i do or sacrifice or when i put myself down, breaking up as and when we quarrel (im always the one holding back by apologising and giving in), keep complaining that im not being a good gf, NEVER cherish me and the things im willing to do for him with no return like lending him thousands of dollars when his work is down and i even tell him is okay dunned to return as money is not important to me u r more important. Geri is rite... When u show ur weakness to a guy letting him know how much u love him and want him... In the end u will ended up like me....being taken advantage... Im happy for myself now as i can face the fact that being with him will only make me suffer more and more ... Being with him will only make me blind due to crying litre of tears. Being with him will make me go crazy as i will fall deeper and suffer more heartless words from him. Being with him will make me hard to concentrate to earn money as i will miss him when im working. Being with him will make me see no future between us as he is not divorced and he can leave me again as and when... Being with him i wll never get comforted when im upset.... Being with him i will have to swallow things that i see or heard which make me sad and jealous. Being with him i will go crazy by cutting myself to use the pain to cover the hurt i felt... Being with him i never truely feel happiness together nor do i feel that he loves me more than i do as he always give up and im alway hold him back... Being with him... im not strong yet im very vulnerable and pathetic. Being with him i have to listen to what he wants... Being with him i cannot show my true feelings like anger and sadness... Being with him i must control my emotions as he will be more harsh on me and ended up im the one to give in again... Being with him i must tolerate his coldness and attitude at times. Being with him i must understand that he had make it straight to me that if i cry he does not feel anything not even heart pain for me. I must understand all things that he told me... I cant take it anymore... Though i will miss him alot as i love him after break up... I may not be able to adapt to living without him... Compared with all the advantages and disadvantages being with him... I believe that i will only continue to suffer more hurtful words, coldness, negligent of my feelings and no future ahead of us... I had tried my best... Im not a perfect person ... I cant be the gf that he wants... and he cant be the bf that i want too... We are just not made to be... We will only make each other suffer... I understand this now...
