What is happiness? I somehow lost it ...
Im back on blog again~~~
It was a horrible weekend... It started on the BBQ @Grandeur with a sudden rain that ended us barbequing in the kitchen... Addition, i had to rush to Mandarin Orchard for appointment. I felt the suddden drift between Alvin & me. Since friday, things doesn't seem right for us. Saturday... we ended up sleeping each corner separately. I was feeling pretty sick that nite. Probably the reason why i was fed up with Alvin as he totally ignored my feelings AGAIN~~~ I went to the other room as i couldn't sleep cos Alvin hurt me with his words and i couldn't stand it anymore. Guess wad? i was actually praying again to God. How much i hope he can help me get rid away of these unstoppable pain in my heart. I felt like things are all back again ... to the start... @ that moment i miss my parents, my brothers and sister... and... my grandma. I lost the ring she gave me... yet i can't do anything... im so Careless~! I hate myself! I hate myself for can't doing things right! I hate myself for being so weak & vulnerable! I hate myself for crying over and over again for the most heartless person i ever met. I hate myself for glinging on to this broken relationship. I hate myself for not being a strong person. I hate myself for forgiving yet not forgetting. I hate myself for wanting to kill myself and hurt myself at the sudden fit of depress... I hate myself for crying and crying & Crying~! I hate myself for not trusting love. I hate myself for falling in love again when i know how hurts it can be... I hate myself for cant being soft as Alvin always give me this fuck up attitude that driven me to anger and after ..tears... that i can't forget and he NEVER Change~! I hate myself for giving up things for him yet he can simply walk out on me times and times... I hate myself for holding on to this place yet he can just chase me off anytime... I hate myself for not going to church as i was too occupied with Alvin that i neglect God. Im so so sorry Lord... I know all these are what i deserve and punishment. I hate myself for wanting him to hear me but he NEVER DOES! I hate myself for wanting him to be ALL MINE however sumhow he is not... I hate myself for having no sense of direction in life. I hate myself for letting my emotions overwhelm me yet not using my mind to think. I hate myself for being so pathetic and no one there for me. I hate myself for being so useless and i dunnoe wad to do... I hate myself for being in this fuck up life... I hate myself for living in denial. I hate myself for trying so hard to work on this relationship and yet times and times im hurt. I hate him so much.... that it seems like its uncountable... He always can say he knows he leave things over nite and its suffering as he experienced it once yet he has been doing it on me countless times and NEVER has he CHANGE! Wad the fuck is all this! He only know how to say but nv will he make an action nor change~! Is this means that he cherish me? NO!!! He knows how deep and hurt i am and yet he only know how to say " I dunnoe wad i have done to make u angry!" Hey! its not angry its disappointment ! Times and times till now! U NEVER want to make things right when u know that somehow things happen again and again & the problem dun all really lies on me ... IT YOU~!!! Ur fucking EGO! ur Fucking attitude when i want to talk things out with you! Ur Heck Care attitude when im crying so hard. U Know how to admit certain things yet these are wad u can say but not undone it nor change~! I Hate myself for trying so hard to wait him to realise and change... In Fact, i can't face the fact that this is who he is and never will he change for me. m just that little impact in his life. I think too highly on myself... This relationship i cant hold on anymore... Im too eexhausted ... When things in my work are not right and im bullied by people in my industry... Who can i lean on? Who can help me? Who can back me up? The only person i tot is NEVER THERE for me. He only add in comments that hurt me even more like " Who ask u to work with him! " " He is in fact very capable wad..." or ".............Silent.........." . How can he be so cruel when im already so upset and put myself down in front of these bullies... I came to realise that no matter how hurt i am... he knows as i told him but he can still give that fuck up attitude... " @this moment if you want me to feel sorry im sorry i can't... in fact im not..." . Why i must be so silly that i keep trying to tell him how i feel and his reaction always disappoints me so badly... just like a double blow... My heart now is breaking til i c no hope in anything... I cried so much till im so tired yet i can't sleep like him ... My mind is always thinking when i lie on the bed, my eyes are always tearing when i tried to sleep and forgo about the unhappiness. Who will understand me... Understand my needs and wants... I told him to understand my needs and wants as im different from him... what he wants may not be wad i want... U know wad he said to me? " I cant do it..." haiz............. Im totally speechless.... I work so hard yet im the only one trying... I tried so hard to understand him like when im mad i must learn to sink in my emotions as he may not like it if i blow it out front... I tried to change myself not to pick on his words and his actions like seeing girls wadsoever... However... What did he change for me ? i know deep inside him he knows clearly wad i want... But he NEVER want to make an effort and just ignor.... This is wad he is good at... After so much of pain and misery... Why i can't learn from the mistakes and learn to leave him... I will try to leave me... Think about all the promises he makes and the mistakes he claims but not any single actions to prove that he is wrong... i dun feel that he feels any slight guilty of letting my suffer... He is really not worth all my sacrifices and love and devotion anymore... He never appreciates the things i do for him... When he is down due to his work i will try to be there for him no matter wad ... But when i cried when i was bullied by prince and jvnne... people take advantages of me times and times ... he knew it all but he only know how to say... but he nv show any concern on my feeings. Every word he said just simply shut me off... im speechless not becos i have nth to say or i think im wrong... im speechless as i NEVER met a guy like him that can treat a gf this way when she was so vulnerable... he is not even hurt when he sees clearly how much i suffer yet he adds on go my misery ... I miss my friends and the life without him... I dun get hurt so much when im single... I hate myself for not learning how to give up in him and let things go as easily as he can do so... When i packed my lugage when we quarreled and he chased me out while leaving the keys... I still returned to here... SIlly!!! Whenever he left and packed his stuff... Im ALWAYS Hold him back and say im sorry im sorry please dun go....!!! Whats all this... He dun even cherish my love and take advantage if it as he knows hw to manipulate me that well ... He won ... He won ... How i wish i could wake up from all this and get back on my feet again to live without him... Im waiting for the right time when my heart just simply give up and the feelings just dry off... He can be so cruel to me... I must Always remember how cruel he cna be when im SO vulnerable... He chased me out of the house on last Thursday... Im holding me by telling him not to go for thrice... and yet he left and i gave a call to him asking him to come back... Isn;t this consider to be giving in? He has NEVER do this to me ever be4... but why i can do this to him? I think... this relationship is not worthy anymore... im looking forward to strive to a better life and propects and learn to think more for myself over him... Though i still love him... but this feelings is too unbearable... i have been tolerating... and i think i sum how reach to a certain limit now... No matter how much i tried to explain to him on my part on why am i so upset and angry with his action... He ALWAYS can shut me off by standing in his shoe and not mine...
End.
